Life's Not Fair

Long ago, Maria Montessori famously identified something called "sensitive periods" in children. Some of the earliest of these (0-6 years) are the sensitive periods for relationship, order, movement, and language. The one that I want to talk about today emerges when a child is nearing 7 years: the sensitive period for justice.  Or as I like to call it, the "It's-Not-Fair Age." 

I'm sure if I could see your faces, I would see you nodding in recognition. There comes a time in our lives when we naturally seem to be a little or a lot more prone to want to discover what the rules are and to feel a desperate need to make sure that other people are following them and to complain vociferously if they don't.

It has long been a stock phrase in the vocabulary of mothers to respond to our children's complaints about injustice with the cliche, "Life's not fair. Get over it."  But this remark sometimes gives the impression that justice is not to be sought, and that being a victim is to be expected in this world.

Sometimes people look at the teaching of Jesus and they think that He is telling us that to be Christian you have to be a doormat that lets everyone walk all over you. That doesn't seem fair, does it? Why should I have to be the loving one (Love your enemies)? The kind one (Pray for those who persecute you)? The forgiving one (I say forgive not seven times, but seventy times seven times)? Why do I always have to "lose" and let the other guy get away with it (If anyone wants to go to law with you over your tunic, give him your cloak as well)? 

Jesus isn't just telling us that Life's Not Fair, He's actually encouraging us to generously give away whatever "rights" we may have vis-a-vis other people, forbidding us to "get even" with our enemies. I think it would be more fair to knock out your tooth if you knock out mine, than to walk two miles when you force me to walk one! 

Yet, Jesus teaches over and over again that we need to change our focus: not on brooding over how we've been "done wrong" but on developing contrition for our own shortcomings and lots and lots of mercy for everyone else's. 

So what's up here?  

In the parable of the Unforgiving Servant, (Matthew 18:23-34), Jesus turns the "Life's Not Fair" maxim on its head and makes it mean something we may never have considered. In short, the parable is about a servant who owed a ridiculous amount to the King: the equivalent of many, many lifetimes worth of wages. This poor servant begged for mercy. (He begged for the King not to be fair, but to be merciful). He begged for time to pay back the debt, but the King went above and beyond this request and forgave him the entire amount!

But boy, oh, boy did this servant have a short memory for mercy. As soon as he left the palace, he encountered a man who owed him 90 days wages. That debtor begged to be given time to repay his debt, but the servant would hear none of his pleas and locked him in jail until he would repay the whole amount.

When the King caught wind of this, that ungrateful servant got a lesson in what it means when life is fair. The King gave that servant over to the torturers until he repaid his whole debt (which was basically going to be forever).

See, I think when we are all caught up in this idea that life should be fair, we are as short-sighted and ridiculous as that ungrateful servant was. In our relationships with others, we may not always get treated as we think we "deserve", but we must remember that we don't treat God as He deserves and He is still compassionate and merciful to us.

Jesus is very clear that our sins are forgiven ONLY IF we forgive others (Matthew 6:14-15). You either decide you want God to be merciful and so treat others with mercy, or you decide that you want God to be fair, and insist on holding grudges and getting even with others. I think we are all far better off when we drop the whole notion of life being fair, and live our lives in mercy towards others in grateful response to God for His abounding mercy.

You see, life's not fair. And that's a very good thing.

Bless Me, Father: A Primer on the Sacrament of Reconciliation

If you can handle the 12-year-old video technician's wobble, a few of my daughters and I put together something for you that might help give you some ideas of how to prepare your child for his or her first (and subsequent) confessions.

I do recommend this "mock confession" model. I also suggest the idea of filming a video with your child--this highly motivated Leah to learn! She told me the next day that she is READY for her First Reconciliation! The main thing to avoid is the idea of checking off a "grocery list." When you say you are sorry to someone you hurt, you come with contrition and sorrow. These are the most important elements for us to bring. God does the rest.

Another daughter and I also put together this little song to break down the 5 things you may say when you go to confession.  

Here are the words. The words in bold are the things you can actually say (the actual Rite does not call for these words, but they are the customary form and can help to get over nervousness):

1. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.

2. Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

3. This is how long it's been.

4. These are my sins. (This is where you confess your sins).

These are the ways I've fallen short of who I want to be.

These are the things I've done that keep your grace from flowing free.

5. And I'm sorry for these and all my sins.

(Then it's Father's turn. He will give advice and a Penance, then he'll ask for the Act of Contrition which you say. He will then pray the Prayer of Absolution. You will make the Sign of the Cross at the end and say Amen and Thank you, Father! often you will go and do your penance in the church as soon as you are finished).

This isn't the theology of the Sacrament at all, that's what all of our the Bible studies are for! This is just the "form" so to speak. Some priests I've confessed to didn't care much at all whether or not I used the "form" above, but once you know it by heart, it takes a lot of anxiety away. We always have cards available so they can "cheat" on the customary form part, but it would be great for parents and kids to run through it a few times together. I know Leah felt much better after 5-10 minutes of going through it with me. 

God be with you as you prepare your child!

The Ninety and The Nine

The third bible study for First Communion/First Reconciliation preparation will take place tonight. This study focuses on two stories: that of the found sheep and of the found coin. Most of the children will have seen these presentations with materials in the course of the year, and they are already familiar with this scripture. 

The direct aim of this evening is to see the parallels and differences between these two parables and for the children to see similarities in their lives. A coin gets lost through no fault of its own, but a sheep may choose to disobey. Sometimes we get lost without being at fault, but sometimes we are lost and far away from where we want to be, and we know that we did something to cause it. 

The emphasis here, though, is not on the fault of the sheep or the coin, but on the action and LOVE of the shepherd and the woman. It is God’s initiative which brings us back, not our own, so we never need to fear confessing our fault—or being found—because it is the will and joy of God that a sinner repents. 

The following video was made for a catechist retreat a couple of years ago. The song is very old, but "His mercies are ever new." 

When those around Him ask the Shepherd: "You have 99 sheep here, are they not enough for you?" He responds with some force, "This of Mine has wandered away from me. And though the road be rough and steep, I go to the desert to find My sheep!"

Work for Free?

Ahhhhh, chores. The business of running a family can't seem to get by without that 6 letter word getting involved: taking out the garbage, mowing the lawn, setting the table, cleaning out the dishwasher, sweeping the floor, making the bed, folding the laundry, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

Sometimes my children get a little crabby when they are invited/told to get going on their chores. I don't pay them or anything. It is just part of being in our family. Yet most parents with children above the age of 7 have heard this complaint: "You mean I have to work for free?"

Fortunately (or unfortunately) for them, they have me for a mother, and I have a standard comeback:

"Not at all! You do have to do the work, that's for sure, but you don't have to do it for free! Doing this work is the fastest way to become rich!" 

(Sounds pretty good so far, but my kids know me well enough to know there is probably a catch).

"But it all depends on how you do it. If you do it right, offering your work and your efforts to God with a good attitude, you can stock up your account with Virtues, and Character, and of course "Brownie Points" (at our house we call these "Murphy Awesome Points" but that is another story). 

"BUT, my darlings, you can also work for free if you want. You can complain, whine, mope, and have a bad attitude. Then, your reward is already paid: you got to complain, whine, mope, and have a bad attitude. But then you did all that work anyway and got nothing for it. So you choose! Do you want to get paid or do you want to work for free?"

As is often the case, these little lessons come straight out of my mouth and turn around and stare me in the face, because this lesson is as true for the little chores we give our children as it is for the "grown up" duties that we must fulfill as adults. Everyday, God has work for us to do, and there are also His rewards. 

Maybe it is a beautiful diamond of patience for not saying that harsh word to a coworker when they made more work for you, or a lovely amethyst of generosity for taking care of the supper dishes without brooding over the fact that he didn't help you again, or it could be the pearl of forbearance when instead of cursing under your breath, you invent a charitable and realistic story about why in the world that person cut you off on the interstate while driving like a maniac (and maybe say a prayer for him, too)...

So often, we leave these jewels on the table and never claim them for our own. We insist on working for free, because we don't do the extra bit of hidden work in our souls that is necessary to make our external work (or our sufferings) a gain for ourselves.

Well that's just silly. So long as we have to work, have to suffer, and get to live, we may as well make the most of it! We get one life after all. Let's make sure we "clock in" and make it count!

"But store up treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor decay destroys, nor thieves break in and steal." Matthew 6:20

Get a Different IPOD

A long time ago (when I was in college), I was blessed to have a wonderful Franciscan nun as my spiritual director.  Her name was (and is) Sister Norma Jean. I almost exclusively called her "Marilyn" though, thinking I was quite clever. (Marilyn Monroe's name was originally Norma Jean...They both had about the same color hair, anyway). I still get Christmas cards from her signed, "Marilyn," so I guess she didn't mind. We met monthly during my senior year, and I remember how she would always start the sessions with almost the same question: "What is God doing in your life right now?" She trained me to look at the happenings in my life not as random, unrelated events, but part of a grander story between God and I, as He was molding me and showing me His love. Ah, but I was broken. Now, I suppose that's not a surprise. Most people have icky things that follow them around for years, and I was no exception.  I told her each month about how I felt like a failure, or how I strangely seemed to be sabotaging the most important relationships I had. I told her how personally I would take a slight from a friend, coworker, or other student, repeating the event over and over in my mind.  I had a wicked awful tendency to brood over injury and poor Sister Marilyn listened so patiently while I did it. But she never let me stay there. Over that year, she helped me start to see that what happens to us in a moment, is only a moment, but how we think about those things, can fill and define our whole lives. When we are in the silence of our own heads, we choose what tapes to play (or what mp3s to listen to). These tapes, these repeating words and images that we choose to think about ingrain a mode of thinking into our whole existence. They can either set us free, or make us victims and slaves forever. She always said to me: "Don't Play Those Tapes!" But generations are moving on, and colloquialisms must too, I suppose. Many of us have virtual IPODs full of narratives that we play over and over in our heads that bind our chains and hold us and others where we were instead of opening freedom, mercy, and forgiveness to us. I suppose you could sit down and proverbially weed through your IPOD and get rid of the old "tapes", but in this case, it might be better to upgrade and get a whole new perspective. You may wonder if the tapes you are playing (for yourself or for your children) are God's voice trying to convict you, simply your own, or the enemy's. Sometimes God does have hard things to say to us.  But these are usually changes that we know deep down that we need to make. God will never tell us that we are not worthy of love, or that we are a failure, or that we don't matter. Don't stay lost in the past! Get a new "IPOD" and load it with words that will free you and give you the peace to step into a new day with hope.  (Hint: the Bible is a great place to start!) "For I know well the plans I have in mind for you-plans for your welfare and not for woe, so as to give you a future of hope." Jeremiah 29:11

God's blessing on you and your family this week and always, ~Mandie DeVries Director of Religious Education

Language of Prayer

So many times in the atrium, our album pages (the "lesson plans" for our presentations) have as the direct or indirect aim "to serve as an aid to prayer."  This is work a child did in the "prayer writing corner" of her Level II atrium. It is evidence that the words we give to children can truly be a gift to them which they in turn use to offer the praise of their hearts toward God.  How beautiful!

"May Father Son and Holy Spirit Bless the world and may the holl world pray for the wonderful day of Parousia. When God will be all in all and will bless the earth with All his power." 

Prayer by a 7 year old girl during her 5th year in a CGS atrium. (I love how she misspelled "whole", but correctly spelled "Parousia"!)