Accumulating Love

"It feels like my love has changed."

I told a priest friend and guide this recently, prepared to wax philosphic about how so many of my relationships have grown and matured since I was younger, needier, and, well, sinfull-er. He stopped me in my tracks.

"Where does love come from?" he ventured.

"From God."

"Does God change?"

"Well, no," I conceded, qualifying my answer. "But I don't mean that my love has changed for the worse. I mean it has changed for the better. I may not have all the heart flutters I did early in these relationships of love, but now I feel like I'm more "grown up" and can fulfill the responsibilities of love without so much, well, candy."

"But if God doesn't change, and he IS Love, then maybe you aren't thinking of your life and the love in your life as you should."

He proceeded, irregardless of my confused face, to question me about when I first fell in love with my husband... a question I really could not answer with certainty... Sure, I had a "crush" on him since 8th or maybe 11th grade, but true love? I wasn't sure.

"But if love is when God becomes part of the picture between you and your spouse, you should know the moment!" he exclaimed. "That special love between you that started to develop and grow has never changed. That is God... and it has been there since the beginning. You don't grow out of God. That love is not something that is here and gone in the past. It is always with you... all of it. Don't let yourself forget that."

Over the next day or two, I began to think back on all the moments of love between my husband and I. From wistful looks in 8th grade science class, to "scooping the loop" that one time during senior year, to the merry-go-round at the park that summer before college, to the moment he first told me that he loved me, and into our married life. The tears on our wedding day, to the day he gave our newborn daughter a tour of our home, to the origami flowers he folded one Valentine's Day, to how gently he cared for me when I had surgery, to the countless words of encouragement and support he offers.

It was overwhelming to think of the love that exists between us as a cumulative thing, rather than simply today's experience. The moment when I fell in love and the thrill of being someone's wife, that is all still with me, and I should take care not to forget that.

Since that day, I've been thinking of many of the relationships in my life, especially my relationship with God. When did I first "fall in love" with God? When did I begin to live my life for Him? How has He rescued me from meaninglessness? How has He strengthened me with the ability to love others more deeply? I must always remind myself of that incredible joy of discovering who I was in God, lest one day, Christ warn my heart and say, "You have lost the love you had at first..." Revelation 2:4.

Love is not about how I feel right now, it is the experience of God Himself! No matter how little or great the love I feel for the other right now, every act of love that I offer and receive is always growing and becoming more. Finally accumulating this great treasure of love, I can not only enjoy it forever in heaven, but also right here and now. We know that at the Parousia, "God will be all in all," (1 Cor 15:28) but we can begin to experience that in our own lives and loves today!