Faith Seeking Understanding

"How do I know that God is really real? How can God ever be "All in All" when people are so bad? I don't see how the Parousia (pair-oh-see-uh) can ever come!"

The pain and worry behind her questions tore me from whatever I was doing and brought my focus on my sweet 9 year old. Probably the most surprising thing about raising up my children almost literally in the Church is the fact that 7 years of religious formation (by the time this particular child was 9) didn't help avoid these questions and doubts. In fact, I wondered if the focus on faith didn't bring these doubts on sooner. For children, faith comes first. Understanding comes later.

I remember difficult times in my life when I struggled with my faith. For example, when I was in college, I discovered that there is a whole movement of "Christians" who believed that Jesus lived and died, but didn't rise from the dead. One of my professors held this belief, and though he thought I was a bright student, his demeanor became superior and even a bit condescending when he saw that I held to such an incredible proposition as the Resurrection. I had never encountered very intelligent people who considered themselves Christians but without qualm rejected St. Paul's insistence on the Resurrection: "If Christ is not raised, your faith is vain" (1 Cor 15:17).

It was a painful time. Not only did I feel the pain and confusion of disunity, it was the first time I remember clearly that my motives for believing what the Catholic Church teaches were challenged. Did I just want to feel better about life? Did I believe simply as a way to avoid the stark finality of death? 

I definitely didn't think that I was smarter than my professor, but the witness of the martyr apostles and thousands of others who have followed Christ, refusing to deny Him even on the pain of death, could not be ignored either. St. Paul taught that "if for this life only we have hoped in Christ, we are the most pitiable people of all" 1 Cor 15:19. By the grace of God, I persevered with a stronger faith to still profess this incredible truth that "Christ has died, but He is Risen!"

Almost 20 years later, I thought of this experience as I talked through my daughter's questions with her. Doubt is not something that we should fear can kill our faith. Doubt is our mind seeking to purify and strengthen our belief. Only when gold is tested is it it most pure.

As a wise priest told me once, "All the doubts in the world do not equal one act of disbelief." My daughter is still asking questions, and that is very good. She is experiencing the natural process of her very beautiful, childlike faith, seeking understanding. My hope is to help her trust the process. Her faith is a living thing, and it will continue to grow and challenge her to give up anything that is not real and true and good. I pray that she, too, will persevere.