Before the *whack*, there may be words like, "Hey, that's mine!" or some other complaint of unfairness, but when the poor parent who turned his back for just a moment on children who seemed to be playing peacefully returns to a puddle of tears and cries, there's really only one response: "Well, that escalated quickly."
Why does this happen? How can we stop living at DEFCON 4.5 all of the time in our homes? As I was talking to a friend whose toddler and preschooler have recently made Sibling War Games a thing, I got an idea that helped me to understand the root of violence not only in my children but also in myself: impatience.
Peaceful negotiations and the attempt to come to mutually-agreeable resolutions tend to take more time and a lot more thought. If in my mind the justice of the thing is clear cut ("That's my thing. You took it. I'm taking it back.") then I'm far more likely to skip the stage where we try to work things out, and just cut to the chase and take my thing back, regardless of who gets whacked along the way.
What is a peaceful person, really? He or she is someone who values communion enough to move slowly and carefully when fighting for justice, even when he knows he is right.
Take Abraham, for example. There is a story in Genesis, right before the famous story of Isaac and Mt. Moriah, where Abraham is meeting with a king who was feigning ignorance that his men had unjustly seized a well ABRAHAM dug. Abraham was a peaceful man, and it seems that he did all he could to avoid a fight. He had every right to tell his own men to go and take the well back by force. Wells were very important to the desert nomads, and this was kind of a big deal. Abraham showed incredible skill and patience in dealing with the king by giving the king seven ewe lambs as part of a pact. The king was confused. since the pact they agreed on didn't include ewe lambs which are a very valuable gift (that keeps on giving!) Here's a paraphrase of their conversation in Genesis 21:
Abraham: About this well... Your guys seized it by force. It's my well.
King: Well? What's a well? Never heard of it. Don't know what you're talking about.
Abraham: Hmmm.. Well, let's make the pact we came here to make.
King: Sounds good. Hey, why are you giving me these seven ewe lambs?
Abraham: Oh, those? Those I give you in exchange for your agreement that the well was dug by me.
King: *reduced to silence* Uh, of course. Thanks.
Abraham: *whistles a tune as he walks away*
Amazing. I don't think it ever would have occurred to me to make a personal sacrifice in order to buy back my own thing, but Abraham was able to preserve an important alliance and friendship (even when the king didn't seem to mind throwing it away) AND he got his own well back. Win-win.
As Jesus says in the beatitudes, God's children are peaceful people. As we seek to raise children (and ourselves) to be people of peace, maybe the virtues of patience and a good deal of prudence are a good place to start. Peace takes time and work. But it is worth the effort. If we can make our families more peaceful, it is a great beginning to bringing about a more peaceful world.
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