Unconditionally

I had a plan.

Knowing that my husband would be gone for more than two weeks this December, I had lists and ideas and great hopes for the gift I would give my husband for Christmas: a clean house.

Aside from a few near occasions of sin that surround trying to accomplish this goal as a single parent of 6 children, and some actual occasions (thank you, Jesus, for the Sacrament of Reconciliation!), I accomplished my goal. I rid my home of 50+ totes of clutter and trash and clothes and shoes that we'd been holding on to over the course of 6 children and 14 nieces and nephews who have been sharing clothes. Clean at last! Even the garage got a "scrubbing" before my darling husband returned.

He returned after a 14 hour drive and was very patient and kind as the girls excitedly showed him around our now-orderly (and in some places, newly-painted) home. It was about an hour in when my exhausted husband off-handedly noted behind me as I was cleaning up the dinner dishes: "Looks like we're back to filling the junk drawer up with junk."

I was heartbroken. I brooded for a while over this slight, and tried not to be angry at him for noticing "the one thing I didn't get to,"

I thought for a long while about why this bothered me so much in that moment. I already know that my husband does not love me because I am such a stellar housekeeper. He loves me for me, praise God, and he tolerates my tornado tendencies. He does his best to love me unconditionally, even if he gets frustrated with me sometimes for my faults. Usually I am happy with being loved unconditionally because I know that I could never earn his love. This time, though, I really wanted to be loved for what I had done because I thought it was perfect... Except I can never be perfect.

The best part of me didn't do all that hard work because I wanted my husband to be happy with me, but because I wanted him to be happy. Period. I have to be content with being loved for who I am, not for what I do, even when what I do seems pretty great to me.

As I was headed to early morning adoration last Friday, I began to understand that if I am not careful, I do this same thing with God. I sometimes try to earn His love by the good things I do, and I am heartbroken when I fail.

Just like with my husband, I could never earn God's conditional love. He knows me too well. I can, however, bloom and grow and produce great fruit in the freedom of knowing the God loves me unconditionally. He doesn't need me to be perfect, he just needs me to remain with Him.

As I look in the eyes of baby Jesus this Christmas, I pray that He will teach me to love Him and others the way that He loves me.

He comes as such a helpless baby. He didn't come on Christmas Night with miracles and power, He came tiny hands and trusting eyes.

In the baby Jesus, we can love our God not because He gives us all the things on our Christmas list this year, but because He gives Himself. And so I ask for the grace this Christmas to give the Him myself in return.

Unconditionally.

The Joy of Love

Fifteen years ago this Thursday, my husband and I made a promise that began the adventure of becoming a family. In honor of that momentous occasion, I have a few quotes and reflections to share from the reflection that Adam Storey from the Marriage and Family Life office of the Diocese shared with a group of parishioners last week on Pope Francis' apostolic exhortation, "The Joy of Love."

Thank you to Adam Storey for his awesome presentation at
our event: The Joy of Love (and BBQ!)

I found it not a little ironic when Adam pointed out that Pope Francis refers to the family as a "path of suffering and blood." As much as last Monday was meant to be a "date night" for my husband and me, we would all have known Adam (and Pope Francis) were lying if they said that marriage was an easy or painless road to heaven. Family can be a beautiful thing, but not always.

Still, it was a consolation to reflect on the fact that even in the holiest of families, the Holy Family, there was brokenness. Granted, I've always struggled to see how the DeVries household could possible imitate the Ever Virgin, sinless Mary, married to one of the greatest saints in the Church, along with their Divine Son, but Adam's presentation encouraged us to look further. Have you ever payed much attention to the genealogy of Jesus at the beginning of the Gospel of Matthew? Jesus' family was FAR from perfect. There was jealousy, hatred, prostitution, adultery, and even murder in His family tree... and He was still pleased to become part of THAT family. It makes it a little easier to imagine how He would deign to become part of mine.

Another point that stuck out to me was how important it is to keep paying attention to your spouse. Pope Francis pointed out that much hurt and problems result when we stop looking at each other. The "sacrament" of your spouse is an opportunity to gaze contemplatively at another person as a good in themselves (not because of what he can do for me, but just because of who he is).

It takes a lot of intentional effort to keep looking at something or someone that you think you already understand. It is such a temptation to take for granted your spouse because you've seen them and you know them. But no matter how well you know another person, there is always a deeper mystery in them that you can't see or reach unless they reveal it to you. So my job as a good wife is to give my husband a secure foundation so that he knows that when he reveals himself to me, he will be received in love. When we both are certain of this foundation, we are more likely to become vulnerable to the other person, increasing our trust in each other and therefore our unity as well.

On a related note, theologian Dr. Tom Neal posted on his blog "Neal Obstat" a thoroughly honest and, well, amatory discussion of what marriage lived radically can be. It was called "Significant Sex." The message was simple: No matter how short or long a couple has been living this, there is always further to go. Catholics are not meant to be prudish about what marriage is meant to be.

The Church's message on marriage is not tame. It is radical, it is total, and it is more powerful than nuclear fusion when it is done well. When the two truly become one, the power unleashed in the world is magnificent. If we can live this truth, we will set the world ablaze!

God's blessing on your and your family this week and always!
Mandie DeVries
Director of Religious Education